Sunday, March 7, 2010

A Foggy Present: Seeing the Future and Forgetting the Past

The midnight fog was so thick in front of our car that even with our brights on we could not see more than 10 feet of highway in front of us. We had been talking about our likes and dislikes(mostly likes) of the Alice in Wonderland movie we had just seen in 3-D. We had two hours from Jamestown to Fargo, North Dakota just to watch the movie in 3-D, seeing Avatar on the IMAX in Minneapolis spoiled me. Our conversation had turned from movies into an arguement about how fast we should be driving in heavy fog on the 75mph speed limit highway. As we argued how slow was too slow, and how fast was too fast, I noticed the pure blackness in my rear view mirror. I quickly glanced over my shoulder to look out the back window to see pure blackness. The unlit fog looked black and blocked all lights in every direction. For some reason it made me sad about my past; I missed my childhood.

Focusing on the road through the endless fog and thinking of the darkness behind me, somehow made me think about how our memories of our past, our childhood and the people that mean so much to us can so easily be left behind or forgotten. I thought of how I used to sit behind my dad on long trips starring at the blackness and wondering what it would be like to be driving my own car. The thought was chilling.

I felt sad that I would never be a child again. I miss my brother. I miss being around him all the time. I miss my parents. I still have my parents, but I miss living with them and sharing my entire with them; a relationship that has severely changed with the passing years. As the potency of my sadness lingered my mind realized how metaphoric the drive forward into a foggy future really was. To miss my past is a blessing only for those that had the luxury of enjoying it. I am truly lucky and blessed.

Here I am holding the steering wheel extra firm, fearing to see instant brake lights or a sideways car in front of me, trying to come to terms with my life and where it is going. I'm staring into this mesmerizing fog, trying to stare beyond it without any success. It occurs to me that I am always trying to see the future; I try to predict where I will be in the next year, five years, ten years etc. Sometimes it is easy to foresee my future, and sometimes the future is clouded with fog and I have no idea what is right around the corner. Many times in my life I've had to set aside my anxiety of uncertainty and console myself with thoughts of positive thinking. I tell myself that an uncertain future has a chance to be exciting, exhilarating, fun, and may take my places I would never end up on a planned future. It also puts emphasis on my present, because each seconds takes me further into the future, therefore it is up to me to spend as much time as possible preparing myself mentally, physically and emotionally to handle an uncertain future. Then when my future's path becomes more clear, I know I will be as prepared as possibly to walk that path.

The future is such a glorious thing; it creates the present, which creates the past. What an exciting thing to look forward to.... the future.


Anonymous said...

What a powerful message ... I know how you feel ... keep the deep messages coming!

Lori Hessian said...

Buy a house near your parents and park the car. Then you'll only have to miss them when THEY'RE gone.
Love, your Mother

Anonymous said...

Hmmm....maybe just the reverse - parents just might have to move out East and park THEIR car...

~a cousin