Friday, August 6, 2010
The Last Chirp
Saying goodbye is always hard to do. Even when you are just giving up two loud cockatiels because they won't survive the 3 day trip from Minnesota to Maine in a Uhaul. Above is the poster we used to sell our birds. We only sold them because no one we knew would take them. Even the old folk's homes here did not have room in their aviaries for our birds. We did find a nice veteran, who took the birds. He said he needed some new friends.
That sad sickness in my stomach still exists even for little tiny birds. Giving away birds is a small reminder of the loss of loved one. My girlfriends Grandma died only a few weeks ago. I watched her and her family go through the emotional wringer dealing with her as she faded away. When you can see the hurt and the loss in the eyes of someone you care about, it stings. As my girlfriend dealt with the loss, I had to fulfill the role of the sturdy rock that stands in support. I knew my sadness was far overshadowed by her sadness, and I needed to be supportive.
The day I dropped off our birds, I think I finally got to embrace the sadness of the loss that I had been holding in for weeks, trying to be supportive. I am overreacting to the loss of the birds, because it reminds me of the pain of losing my girlfriends Grandma, and my own Grandpa and my father's good friend, my great grandma, all the pets I've lost... I really miss these people and animals. The people who know me well, know that I am not someone who dwells in sadness; I am an optimistic person. I have the ability to convince myself, or find positives in grim situations. It's a characteristic that keeps me motivated, enthusiastic and excited. At the same time, I seem to also have the ability to shelter myself from deeper feelings by distracting myself with other tasks or games. I can be upset about something and diffuse those thoughts be giving my mind a new task to solve. This is both a blessing and a curse.
I think about death a lot. At times when I do, I become flooded with weeks worth of pent up sadness and stress. Fear runs rampant in my mind, rattling off every side of my skull before after a miniature panic attack and a handful of tears it subsides. The terror of death. The knowledge of never going back in time. Having that person, that experience, that chance to interact. I hate missing things I never knew I missed. These thoughts hatch in my mind. The scary thoughts hatch into the same realization each time:
Be thankful for what you have
Never take anything for granted
Love what you are doing
And remember that this moment.....right now.... reading this blog, at this second, is important
Like any other moment, it is a chance to embrace life
Reaffirm your goals
Tell someone how much they mean to you
Make today special
In the end, the birds have a new friend. I have a uhaul filled with things that need my love. Including a beautiful girlfriend, 3 great cats, and a turtle. Not to mention all the non-living objects. I think I will make today special.
Written with one hand while the other hand packs up a box
Time for another adventure