I knew we had problems. I knew we weren't being good for each other. I knew we couldn't communicate. We couldn't trust each other. But. I was clouded by dreams of living together til the end of our days. I could see pictures from the future of us by the fireplace with our kids and pets, all smiling and happy. I drove with her from the midwest to the northern tip of the east coast because I love her. Little did I know, the clock was ticking.
Turtle Love has Shattered
When is it okay to give up on a relationship with someone you love? When do you cut your losses? When is it just hanging on?
For Kelsey and myself the time to give up was a week ago. The end of a three year relationship that was chalk full of great moments, and terrible moments. We both sat down and agreed it was time to go our separate ways, and as this decision was sinking in, I felt like I was standing all alone on a deserted island watching my lover sail away. Unable to look away. I am a trillion miles from my friends and family in Minneapolis, and the one person I care about the most in the entire world is gone. Well, not gone, but going. I am only here, in Unity Maine, because of her. I don't have anything left for me in Unity. I do have a job, but its not really me. I have met a handful of really great people here in Unity. This handful of people (actually three) I have come to really enjoy (moreso than expected in such a short time), people I hope to know the rest of my life. But all three of these awesome people are in someway going to be spending time in Portland, Maine. Which leads me to the next adventure in my life...
As the dark emotional clouds of the break up begins to fade, I can clearly see hope and inspiration in the future. Everyone who knows me, knows I am an upbeat optimistic person... even when my situation doesn't warrant it. This is why, despite the sickness in my stomach and sadness in my heart, I am completely ready to move on. I have so many things to look forward to, I don't have time to weep into my pillow. Actually that is not true; I give myself an hour to cry into my pillow, but thats it. I have so many things to be thankful for. For one, me and Kelsey are going to try to remain friends. Two, we do not have kids and we do not have any big purchases together making this break less messy. Three, I love a new adventure. And four, and maybe most importantly, pain inspires me. I have created more artwork this week than in the last six months combined. It is kind of like letting a beast out of its cage. All this pent up emotion and pent up pain spills out onto the canvas.
I am still getting to subject of Portland, Maine. Since, I know Unity, Maine does not really have the things I need to be an working artist, or anything close, I need to relocate. This means either making a 180 and moving back home to Minneapolis where I have jobs and friends and family; or by moving two hours south and living in Portland Maine. Portland has an incredible art scene and is a place I would love to sink my teeth into. Plus, as mentioned above, three of my new friends are connected to this area. I really do not want 2010 and the state of Maine to be the place where I broke up with Kelsey and if I leave now that is all it will be. Instead, I want Maine to be the place where I began a new chapter in my life. I have all the tools and the energy to transform this really hard time in my life into something really great. If I can piggyback on my frantic emotions and use this energy to catapult myself from Unity to Portland I can give myself a jump start on conquering a brand new city.
I am not an expert in relationships. I am barely a relationship novice. However, I do feel like I build better relationship skills with each person I get involved with, in fact I make it a serious point of mine to learn everyday of my life. I am also very self reflective and I am doing my very best to reflect on mistakes I made during the relationship. Three years is a long time to reflect on, and if I slowly retrace the events in our time spent together I can gather information on how to make myself a better boyfriend for the future. Because I am getting close to the age, 28, where it starts to make sense to think about settling down, getting married and having kids. Although, I do think part of the reason the art is flowing out of me right now, is because relationships take a lot of time and effort, especially when they are plagued with problems. The veil has been lifted and now I can plug this time and effort into my old mistress...art. Hopefully my next relationship can live a little more harmoniously with the artist side of me.
This is a very tough time for me. I miss her a lot, even though she's still sleeping in the room next to me, and I get to talk to her every day. And even though I miss her, I can see past her. Where I once stared into her beautiful eyes, I can now look past them, and past her, and I can see all the way to Portland and I can even see the life I will be living once I am there. Things look good out there.
The present is dark and shadowy, but the future is shining bright.
If you enjoyed this post you might also like to read about my first reaction to arriving in Maine. I also want to know: would you take a pill instead of eating?